South Africa Training Camp, Location: Classified

Probing: Dale Steyn prepares to aim another truth missile at those who would keep things covered up. Like stumps. Picture: Getty

Dale Steyn removed his tin foil hat and turned off the computer.

“That’s how they get to you,” he muttered to himself. “They track your movements down the internet.”

Jacques Kallis came up behind him. Dale jumped in alarm. He patted Kallis down to check that he wasn’t wearing a wire.

“I’m just big-boned,” said Jacques sadly. “It’s deceptive.”

“Sorry china,” said Dale. “You can’t be too careful.” He offered Jacques a conciliatory piece of biltong. Kallis chewed it thoughtfully.

“I saw you’re doing the twittering about 9/11, bru,” said Jacques. “Do you really think it might all have been made-up?”

“Oh ja,” nodded Dale. “Could be. They found a passport of one of the hijackers at the scene? Come off it.”

“Maybe that’s how Trott got to be English; finding one in the wreckage of something or other,” suggested Morne Morkel.

“Could be, Morne,” said Dale. “Put it on the list of things to investigate.”

Morne got out his special Conspiracy Theory Felt-Tip Pen Set and began to write carefully. The list read:

“9/11.

Was Diana killed by the Royal Family?

Are shape-shifting lizards controlling the world?

Has Graeme Smith been eating too many lizards?

Or is his fuller figure another consequence of the Magic Boerewors Theory?

Was moon landing really staged and filmed with tiny miniature models using Lance Kluesener’s backside as lunar landscape backdrop?

Is Paul Harris a plant by shadowy international cabal of other international cricket teams?”

“I’ll get AB to pray for you,” said Jacques. “I think you need help.”

“I’m giving up tweeting, anyway,” said Dale. “I heard that’s how Shane Warne mind-controlled poor Daryl Cullinan. He tapped into his brain with the internet and brainwashed him with a ZX-Spectrum and a transmogrifyer and a pet rabbit,”

“Don’t be stupid,” said Jacques. “The internet wasn’t even invented then.”

“Or WAS it?” agreed Dale. “Me and Morne are investigating that as well. We’re like Mulder and Scully.”

“Ja,” said Morne. “But with less of the ‘will they-won’t they?’ sexual tension.”

“That’s right,” nodded Dale. “Unless the lizards get their way.”