Jason Gillespie should get the band back together to coach Yorkshire

Pot to pee in: Yorkshire defy financial hardship to hire Jason Gillespie and other coaches. PHOTO: GETTY

Jason Gillespie has returned to Yorkshire County Cricket Club as the first-team coach. He joins what the Aussie will no-doubt be calling a “leadership unit” that includes captain Andrew Gale, Development Manager Richard Damms, Martin Moxon as Director of Cricket, Ian Dews as Director of Cricket development, Paul Farbrace as Second Team Director and, if talks go well, Michael Vaughan as Artistic Director (Paintball).

Jason promises: “The one thing I'll be bringing to Yorkshire is a bit of fun and enjoyment, but making sure our preparation is spot on and leaving no stone unturned” which is kind of four things, really, but you don’t take 259 Test wickets by mincing about with a calculator and a slide-rule, do you?

In the spirit of Yorkshire’s new “if it moves, hire it” approach to coach recruitment, one hopes there will be jobs for the boys from Jason’s all-conquering Aussie team.

Yorkshire is, of course, God’s Own County, and as such it needs God’s Own Opening Batsman, Matthew Hayden to teach Adam Lyth, Joe Root and company the dark arts of chewing gum aggressively, swearing with your arms folded and bullying opponents. If some of them go on to set up slightly frightening web-based life coaching businesses of their own, then so much the better.

With the advances of illegal bookmakers an ever-present danger in all forms of cricket, a genuine expert is needed to help keep Yorkshire’s lads out of their clutches. Mark Waugh must be brought in as a consultant without delay. He will need an office; perhaps in a private box at Pontefract Racecourse.

However, there must be no place for brother Steve Waugh, whose well-known disdain for Nightwatchmen might have deprived Coach Dizzy of his finest hour had he still been captain. Very early in his career, Jason attempted to secure the future for nightwatchmen everywhere by eliminating the elder Waugh with a brave headlong dive. He got a broken leg for his troubles, but 17 years later, Gillespie had the last laugh by bashing 201* against mighty Bangladesh in Chittagong after coming in at first-drop. Any Yorkshire side of Jason’s will feature at least three nightwatchmen, with a long-term view to playing only specialist number nines from 1-11.

All that is needed to complete the jigsaw is to secure Glenn McGrath as a co-coach, so he can get all the attention and leave Jason to go quietly about his business, and the glorious age of Dizzy can begin.

Testing Times: The campaign to save Test cricket

Australia captain Michael Clarke's lonely display of defiance against South Africa at Cape Town made for gripping viewing on Wednesday, giving the Test game a shot in the arm. West Indies' battling display against India in the first Test of that series also hinted at a welcome revival. Otherwise, however, the perception is that the five-day game is like South Africa's lions, leopards and giraffes – an endangered species, its territory being continually encroached upon by the Twenty20 game.

Australia captain Michael Clarke battles back against South Africa

Frustratingly, this series between South Africa and Australia is comprised of only two Tests. Next summer's clash between England and South Africa – effectively the world No1 title decider – is to be played over just three, even though England and Wales Cricket Board chairman Giles Clarke gave meetings between the two countries 'icon' (five-match) status in 2008. Pakistan are being forced to play their 'home' matches in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Sharjah (they have just beaten Sri Lanka 1-0 in a series at those venues). And crowds outside matches in England and Australia are dwindling.

A hotel receptionist called Rebecca Duffy, from Hastings, and her friends want to do their bit for their cause, though. The group, which also includes James Corrigan, Lawrence Epps, Libby Leonard and Mat Richards, have initiated a campaign called 'Testing Times'. "Our aim," says Duffy, "is to find 28,000 people – the number of people who would fill Lord’s Cricket Ground – to sign our petition to show that people care about Test cricket.

"Our long term-goal is to persuade boards to ensure the protection of Test cricket by granting it greater emphasis in global schedules. However, our interim goal is to persuade the ECB to add an extra Test to next summer’s key clash between the world’s top two nations, England and South Africa."

In a short space of time, 'Testing Times' has recruited nearly 1,400 (at the last count) Twitter followers, and the cause seems to be taking off. They have been 'retweeted' by Jimmy Anderson, Ben Stokes, Jonathan Agnew, Henry Blofeld and Lalit Modi among others. "We were especially pleased with the Modi one. I suspect he didn't read it properly before retweeting, bless his cottons," Duffy said.

The 32 year-old says she fell in love with the game at the age of three. "I remember cheering for the wonderful, late Graham Dilley at Canterbury at that age."

Not to do the boards – who are responsible for how many matches there are in a series – a disservice, it is obvious why they make these decisions. The majority of cricket fanatics on the subcontinent prefer it short and sweet. I love Test cricket more than the abbreviated forms of the game, but that doesn't mean to say everyone should.

I would love the iconic old England Test jumper with a single lion in the middle to return. I hate the new whiter-than-white fleeces. I loathe the sponsor’s logo. I despise back-to-back Tests. I think matches should start on alternate Thursdays throughout the summer. And there should only be five or six. Not seven. As Rebecca teased me on Twitter: "Aaaah . . . and everyone sips lemonade on the village green whilst the Vicar's wife prepares the tea . . . if only!!"

I'm also glass-half-empty when it comes to England walloping India 4-0 in the Tests this summer. One of my colleagues told me to revel in it; it wasn't so long ago we could not beat 'flippin' Zimbabwe, or New Zealand, he said. But all I can think of is, if India are trounced, that is going to put even more of their fans off the Test game. And so on.

It is good to know there are plenty of others like me.

As the Stones used to sing, 'You can't always get what you want'. But you can try …

How to rehabilitate cricket: lock them all up

Lock him up: celebrations like Mario Baoltelli's will be a thing of the past. Picture: GETTY

It was, as many have said, A Sad Day For Cricket. On the other hand, it was a good day for the hang ‘em and flog ‘em merchants, who wanted books thrown, keys chucked away, levers pulled themselves, and seemed largely happy that porridge would be served. Personally, I’m not sure I’d wish a spell in Feltham Young Offenders’ Institution on my worst enemy – even on Anthony ‘Nipple Cripple’ Jackson, junior school bully par excellence. And especially not in a country where the convict didn’t speak the language, but many think that Mohammad Amir and the rest have got the least of what they deserved.

Elsewhere today, Neil Warnock wants the Chelsea fans who chanted a cryptic, although despicably-intentioned, chant about Anton Ferdinand to be locked up for two years. 24 months, for shouting? It wasn’t even on Facebook.

But perhaps this is the solution to all sport’s problems, big or small: just bang everybody up, all the time, for anything. Given the amount of free space in prisons, and their superb work in rehabilitating offenders, a hardline approach is clearly what is needed to save sport as we know it.

I suggest that the England ODI team’s top-order batsmen could do with a short, sharp, shock after their efforts with the bat in India. If 18 months in Parkhurst can’t get Craig Kieswetter working the ball around against the spinners, I am not sure what can.

And why should cricket be the only sport to benefit from this excellent jail-based system? Perhaps Andy Murray might not go on the defensive so readily in Grand Slam finals if he’d had three character-building years fighting off armed robbers with a sharpened toothbrush in the showers at Wormwood Scrubs. Would Rooney be corrupting the nation’s youth by swearing on television cameras if he was doing a ten-stretch in Pentonville? Of course not, unless he was being filmed for a fly-on-the-wall documentary by Channel 4. Lock them up: it’s the only language these pampered millionaires understand.

So, yes, a sad day for cricket – but from the tragedy, a glorious sporting future might emerge. One where ill-discipline and play-acting and bad language and handling the ball in the ruck are a thing of the past, because even the slightest infraction is punishable by a custodial sentence. The people best placed to dispense this firm but fair justice are, of course, our Premier League referees. And once Mario Balotelli, or a generation of future Mario Balotellis, find themselves using a bucket for a toilet and sharing a cell with a homesick, amorous, 350-pound safe-breaker called Len, the evil of over-celebrating a goal will be eradicated from the game forever. Let cricket be the guide: only prison can set us free.

Pakistan spot-fixing convictions mean cricket has won a battle, but not the war

Today is not a sad day for cricket, as I have heard it described. It is a joyous day. That Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif have been found guilty of their parts in a spot-fixing scam during the Lord’s Test between Pakistan and England last year can only be a good thing for cricket worldwide.

This verdict can be the beginning of a major clean-up operation. For there clearly is a problem. All of us have known that for a long time. Even for me as former professional cricketer, it took some time to admit that. But there is a problem.

When I was playing, any mention of anything such as this sounded as if it had been coming from a different planet, such was my blissful ignorance. But, starting with the shock revelations about the late Hansie Cronje, it began to emerge that cricket was hiding some sinister secrets in its darkest recesses.

That these cricketers now seem certain to face jail sentences is a very powerful deterrent. It is easy to mock the International Cricket Council about this. After all, it took a sting operation from a newspaper to uncover this scam first.

But theirs is a devilishly difficult task, and I’m sure they will have learnt an awful lot from this case. I actually think they are doing a good job in educating today’s players about the dangers of becoming involved with unsavoury characters.

So too the Professional Cricketers’ Association in this country. They work tirelessly to warn the players, and to give them easy and confidential methods of reporting anything untoward.

This will not be the end of corruption in cricket. I am pretty certain it is still going on, and that certain players are trapped in a vicious circle of vice. There may be more days like today. But this can be the start. And it is a good start.

It was no surprise England lost 5-0

So England lost 5-0 in India. If you’d read my blog after the first match, you’ll know it was little surprise. That’s because England are not a top one-day side. Even the series victory over India at the end of last summer was never as convincing as many people wanted it to be. England won 3-0, but it could easily have been 3-2, either way.

This is nothing new. England have been like this for a long, long time. They have their moments, but consistency has always been elusive. It always will be while we consider one-day cricket the poor relation of our game.

England didn’t lose in India because the counties only play 40-over cricket, but such mutton-headed decisions play their part in a mindset that eventually leads to frustration, and sometimes embarrassment, at international level.

For once this was actually a series for which England were well-prepared. Forget the nonsense talk about tiredness. India had far more cause to complain in that department. England went to India early and had plenty of time. All the more reason then for Andy Flower to be so miffed that his team feel so short in the simple disciplines of fielding and running between the wickets. He has built his regime on improvement in those areas, and it was unfathomable as to why England were so poor in executing them in India.

England’s batsmen simply did not score off enough balls. They have improved their boundary hitting enormously, and it often showed when they outscored India in that department. But to use a very modern term, they used up too many ‘dot balls’.

It is my main criticism of Jonathan Trott. Not that he struggles to hit hard at the end of an innings (although he does because he struggles to secure a solid hitting base with his always-moving-forward trigger movement), but that he does not find enough singles at the start. He would take an awful lot of pressure off himself if he could only do that.

Playing spin in India is mightily difficult, but the truth is that, contrary to the incessant squeals from many commentators, you have to sweep. Yes, maybe England need to sweep better, but they sure need to sweep. Talk of moving your feet more is anachronistic, especially against a ball that you are unsure of which way it is turning. To try to play a turning ball with a straight bat is to play across the line. If anything on such slow pitches England’s batsmen need to play off the back foot more. Tim Bresnan did that to good effect in one innings.

I disagree, though, with my esteemed Telegraph colleague Michael Vaughan on the subject of pitches. We should not prepare turners at home. We should use home advantage like everyone else. You don’t see green tops in India. And the next World Cup is in Australia and New Zealand anyway.

What would be nice is if there was some 50-over county cricket played in the height of the summer when spinners might be able to play a part. At the moment spinners succeed in domestic short-form cricket (especially Twenty20), not because they spin the ball, but because they bowl slowly and batsmen struggle without pace for hitting. That is often not good enough at international level.

Should we panic now? I don’t think so. Selection after Christmas will certainly be interesting, especially as regards the wicketkeeping position. I see the knives are out for Craig Kieswetter. He has certainly had a disappointing series, but isn’t it time we backed a batsman/wicketkeeper? That revolving door we so love has to stop some time.

Maybe it is just that, as Flower alluded to, it is that this same group of players, with Eoin Morgan and Stuart Broad back (and possibly James Anderson), have to execute their skills more adeptly?

What do you think?

 

 

So long, Andrew Hilditch, and thanks for all the turkeys

Big umbrella policies: Andrew Hilditch is a big loss to England cricket

Today is a sad day for England cricket (and not just because of the team’s performance in Delhi). A legend of the English game has made his last meaningful contribution to the success of the Three Lions: Andrew Hilditch is to step down as the selectorial supremo of Cricket Australia.

Hilditch has named what will surely be his squad as Australia prepare to face South Africa in a two-Test series and it features a signature Hilditch gamble, this time on a teenage quick. Although the name may suggest a pornographic actress from the 1970s, Pat Cummins is in fact an 18-year-old right-armer from New South Wales. Despite having just three first-class games, and a back injury that caused him to miss the trip to Sri Lanka under his belt, Hilditch insists the selection “is not a gamble.”

Classic Hilditch. In his five-year reign of terror as part-time chairman of selectors, no punt has been too risky, no hunch too esoteric for the man who grabbed wildly at post-Warne spinners as if he were on a timed trolley dash of Australia’s slow bowling supermarket (well, slow bowling corner shop, anyway). The names of Xavier Doherty, Bryce McGain and Steve Smith will hold cherished memories for fans of other nations. The abandonment of Simon Katich, who had outscored everyone in Test cricket bar Alastair Cook since his 2008 reinstatement in the team, was another gem. His contribution to England’s 2010-2011 Ashes win was topped only by Cook and, arguably, Mitchell Johnson.

But Hilditch was more than just a pick-‘em-with-a-pin merchant. He displayed an admirable range for the types of media disaster into which he could blunder by missing the third Test in 2009 to walk his dog on the beach as the team fought the tide of a rampant South Africa. As if to pre-empt bar room gripes across the nation, Hilditch actually did pick the groundsman: step forward (and turn off that lawnmower) Nathan Lyon.

With the Argus report calling for a full-time selector, Hilditch steps down to return to his legal practice in Adelaide. Insurance law’s gain is English cricket’s loss. Andrew, you will be missed.

Here we go again as England are thrashed by India in India

Oh dear. A lot of fears were realised in Hyderabad today. This was just like the World Cup. This was just like England in the sub-continent since the year dot. This was all thoroughly depressing.

This was certainly the beginning of India’s Payback Plan. How the summer in England hurt them. “Wait till we get you on our own pitches,” they said. We laughed. But deep down, we knew. This was always going to be a fiendishly difficult series, especially when you lose the toss as England did today.

There was no pace and bounce to trouble the Indian batsmen, and how they loved it. There was actually a little uneven bounce, which meant that a total of 300 was way above par. England bowled reasonably well for 30 overs. For the last 20 they were awful. Mahendra Singh Dhoni, with the blades of his personalised helicopter shot whirling merrily, was quite magnificent. But England hardly bowled shrewdly at him.

At around the halfway stage England looked reasonably placed. Comparative scores were promising. But you can never rely on such an ending that the Indians managed. Alastair Cook needed to crack on. He played nicely. All the others played horribly.

The Jonathan Trott debate will be revived. And so it should be, despite the fact that is Warwickshire supporters will be enraged. He was slow again. This is not to say he should be dropped. I do not think that. He scores runs for fun. The record books are in his favour. When he scores runs, England generally win. But if he is to bat at No 4 as he surprisingly did today, then he should not play. He simply has to bat at No 3 or not at all.

And no less loud should be the Kevin Pietersen argument. He took one excellent catch, but otherwise fielded very poorly. He didn’t score runs again. What is happening, Kev? Time is running out in international one-day cricket.

What of Ian Bell? A very sound observer of the game recently told me that he thought Bell is currently the best batsman in the world. But he can’t make it into England’s one-day side. It is a curiosity.

Is Samit Patel really good enough to be a second spinner in ODIs? I’m not sure, and I was championing his cause before the World Cup, when I was lamenting his sloth as regards fitness.

These are a lot of questions that need answering. It is only one game, yes, but it is too familiar a scenario. Should we panic? How can England turn things around?

Thoughts please, especially from my Indian friends, who must be very happy again now!

Indian TV row causes Sky to fall in on cricket viewers

'He's broadast that like a tracer bullet'. PHOTO: AFP/GETTY

Row between Indian host broadcaster and BCCI leaves TV viewers without pictures – and then leaves them to the tender mercies of commentator Ravi Shastri and his BCCI-mandated cohorts.

British TV watchers were exposed to not one but two horrific alternate realities on Friday morning: a sporting life without TV; and the replacement of Nasser, Mike and company with Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Dermot Reeve.

Just a few minutes before the scheduled start of England’s ODI match at Hyderabad, it emerged that a bust-up between the BCCI and the Indian host broadcaster had seen the board withhold rights to show the match.

Sky viewers instead sampled the retro delights of David Lloyd commentating down a crackly phone line over a still photo of the deserted outfield. The forlorn sensation of a man howling into the void called to mind a Clubcall phoneline from the 1990s, or one of those 0898 numbers where a depressed middle-aged woman in a Rotherham call-centre tells you she has been a naughty schoolgirl for 50 pence a minute. With Nick Knight adding his thoughts in the background.

As if this were not unsettling enough, the telly box suddenly crackled into life in the fourth over – after God knows what ransom had been paid – just in time for Steve Finn to effect an athletic flick in his follow-through that sent PA Patel back to the pavilion, run-out at the non-striker’s end off a straight drive from his partner. But instead of the pithy insights of Hussain and Atherton, the capers of Lloyd or even – heaven help us – the familiar hell-in-a-handcart chuntering of Sir Ian and the prevaricating of Knight, British cricket fans received a vivid insight into life for their Indian cousins.

The relentless cheerleading of Shastri and Gavaskar for everything belched out by the BCCI is familiar to Indian fans, but is nonetheless a shock to the system for those Brits who don’t get to watch much of the IPL. Shastri’s trademark parade of clichés and pet-phrases, delivered in that slippery baritone, are a sure irritant. When paired with Dermot Reeve, they become unbearable. Bizarrely, Matthew Hoggard also popped up in a summariser’s role to claim that Finn’s bowling of a yorker had been “unintentional” and that the bowler had “missed his length by five yards.”

A morning of listening to what Indian fans have to put up with certainly puts one’s own viewing gripes into perspective. If only we could offload some of our football pundits onto them…

ICC conference flip-flop madness

'Just try to stay awake until they bring the rubber chicken lunches round' PHOTO: GETTY

The mysterious blazer-wearing, back-scratching lizard people who make up the ICC have been having one of their periodic meetings. Here’s what they have ruled – and the real reasons behind their decisions…

Ruling: Decision Review System change of heart

Surprisingly going against the wishes of India, the ICC decreed in June that this would henceforth be mandatory for all Tests and ODIs. Have now u-turned and said that technology will be bilaterally agreed on a case-by-case basis by the competing countries in a series.

Reasons:Unacceptably high numbers of Indian batsmen being given out in series against England. MS Dhoni told them to change their mind. Urgent commercial need to ensure Indian batsmen are not given out in future series; and guard against doomsday scenario of Sachin being given out on review and thus being denied his 100th 100. Possible reintroduction once 100th 100 has been passed to make sure nobody ever beats record has been mooted.

Ruling: Shelving of the proposed World Test Championship

Finding itself in the unfamiliar position of having come up with an idea that a lot of cricket fans actually quite fancied – the 2013 tournament in England between the top four Test sides – the ICC panicked and have now decided to push the five-day championship back to 2017 at the earliest.

Reasons: India no longer very good at Test cricket. You can play five ODIs in the time it takes to get through a boring old Test match. Moving personal plea from Suresh Raina not to have to face Test match bowling again.

Ruling: Possible reintroduction of the Champions League Trophy

The resultant hole in the 2013 schedule looks the perfect size for the broadcaster-friendly Carling Cup of international cricket, a 50-over tournament so lacking in prestige that even England have reached the final in recent years, but one that does not exclude the weaker nations.

Reasons: People in India like 50-over cricket. Ravi Shastri has a window in his schedule and can do some commentary. No sane person would rather watch England v South Africa play a Test at Lord’s when they could be watching Zimbabwe v Bangladesh in the round-robin phase of an ODI tournament. Why should sides be financially penalised for not being good at Test cricket?

Ruling: Qualifying for 2015 World Cup simplified

Having decided in June that the 2015 World Cup would feature just ten teams, the next obvious move was to backtrack from that and say that there would be 14 teams involved. The ten Test teams gets in, even the ones that don’t really play Tests but can be relied upon to do the right thing when it’s balloting time. They are joined by the two winners of an easy-to-understand, user-friendly system where the top two teams from the Intercontinental One Day Cup will join four others from the World Cricket League, including the third and fourth placed teams in ICC Division Two and the winners and runners-up from Division Three, plus the winner of the UEFA Fair Play Award, the third-placed act in the Eurovision song contest, and Somerset, in a massive qualifying tournament-cum-fight-to-the-death held at the NEC Birmingham and presented by Holly Willoughby and Sunil Gavaskar.

Reasons: Because we can. What’s the point of having administrators if they don’t administrate?

England squad face Dad’s Army Test

Roller on the floor laughing: two British comedy greats of yesteryear

In which England's South African-born cricketers get some cultural education on a sad day for British comedy

Graham Gooch shepherded the England squad into the room. A sign on the door read: “Batting Coach’s Office and Haircare Laboratory. NO Ethereal Leicestershire Left-Handers.”

Gooch looked hangdog and upset. More than usually so.

“Boys,” he said. “The announcement of an England squad is a happy day, particularly when we can welcome a new player into the fold.”

Stuart Meaker was patted on the back by his colleagues. Jonathan Trott began to lead the traditional team celebration anthem: “Ek gelofte my groen en aangename reis vanaf Heathrow lughawe na jou” (“I vow to thee my green and pleasant journey from Heathrow airport”), but Gooch shushed him.

“But this is also a sad day. David Croft, who wrote the immortal British sitcom ‘Dad’s Army’, has passed away.”

There were blank looks all round.

“As I have said in the past,” sighed Gooch. “Nobody minds where a player is born these days, as long as he can pass the Dad’s Army test. Does he find Captain Mainwaring and the rest hilarious? If so: that's English enough for me.”

He wrestled an Official Team England analysis laptop from the grasp of Ian Bell.

“Championship Manager later, Belly,” said Gooch. “Once you’ve practised concentrating really hard and done 2000 squat thrusts.”

He inserted a DVD. ‘Don’t Tell Him, Pike’ played.

Gooch laughed. Alastair Cook watched the coach carefully, and then joined in.

“I’m writing a sitcom,” shouted Graeme Swann. “It’s about a brilliant comedian trapped in the body of a sporting hero, and he’s got a pet cat called Tweet who drives him around in a car when they’ve all had a few drinks.”

Jade Dernbach raised his hand.

“Mr Goochie, bru. I mean sir. I don’t understand why it’s funny,” he said.

“Is it because that bossy old man has got a silly moustache?” asked Craig Kieswetter.

“There is nothing funny about that at all, you stupid boy,” shouted Gooch.

“No, you okes,” said Jonathan Trott. “It’s funny because they are laughing at foreigners.”

“I don’t think that’s very nice,” said Stuart Meaker. “Not in this day and age.”

“That’s the problem with you lot,” said Gooch. “You have absolutely no sense of humour.”

South Africa Training Camp, Location: Classified

Probing: Dale Steyn prepares to aim another truth missile at those who would keep things covered up. Like stumps. Picture: Getty

Dale Steyn removed his tin foil hat and turned off the computer.

“That’s how they get to you,” he muttered to himself. “They track your movements down the internet.”

Jacques Kallis came up behind him. Dale jumped in alarm. He patted Kallis down to check that he wasn’t wearing a wire.

“I’m just big-boned,” said Jacques sadly. “It’s deceptive.”

“Sorry china,” said Dale. “You can’t be too careful.” He offered Jacques a conciliatory piece of biltong. Kallis chewed it thoughtfully.

“I saw you’re doing the twittering about 9/11, bru,” said Jacques. “Do you really think it might all have been made-up?”

“Oh ja,” nodded Dale. “Could be. They found a passport of one of the hijackers at the scene? Come off it.”

“Maybe that’s how Trott got to be English; finding one in the wreckage of something or other,” suggested Morne Morkel.

“Could be, Morne,” said Dale. “Put it on the list of things to investigate.”

Morne got out his special Conspiracy Theory Felt-Tip Pen Set and began to write carefully. The list read:

“9/11.

Was Diana killed by the Royal Family?

Are shape-shifting lizards controlling the world?

Has Graeme Smith been eating too many lizards?

Or is his fuller figure another consequence of the Magic Boerewors Theory?

Was moon landing really staged and filmed with tiny miniature models using Lance Kluesener’s backside as lunar landscape backdrop?

Is Paul Harris a plant by shadowy international cabal of other international cricket teams?”

“I’ll get AB to pray for you,” said Jacques. “I think you need help.”

“I’m giving up tweeting, anyway,” said Dale. “I heard that’s how Shane Warne mind-controlled poor Daryl Cullinan. He tapped into his brain with the internet and brainwashed him with a ZX-Spectrum and a transmogrifyer and a pet rabbit,”

“Don’t be stupid,” said Jacques. “The internet wasn’t even invented then.”

“Or WAS it?” agreed Dale. “Me and Morne are investigating that as well. We’re like Mulder and Scully.”

“Ja,” said Morne. “But with less of the ‘will they-won’t they?’ sexual tension.”

“That’s right,” nodded Dale. “Unless the lizards get their way.”

England v West Indies: Will Allen Stanford be watching?

Lapping it up: Allen Stanford was shown on television flirting with the England team's partners. Emily Prior, wife of wicketkeeper Matt, sat on his knee.

England play West Indies at Lord's tomorrow, in the first of two Twenty20s that make up the Allen Stanford Memorial Series, or the Contractual Obligation Series, or whatever. But while the two teams who once luxuriated in his largesse have a hit and giggle, the man himself will be a long way from London. So what will he be doing?

September 23, 2011.

Woke up in my cell at the Larry Hagman-Karl Rove Detention Center, Houston feeling blue as hell. A Stanford Cricketball Twenty20 double-header rubber starting in The Oval Bowl, London, England and me here in the pokey for a crime I didn’t commit? Not that I can remember if I did it or not: like my lawyer says, I got the amnesia real bad. And seeing as I’m paying Finkleberg or whatever the hell his damn name is a hundred thousand dollars an hour, I told myself: “Take his advice.” To tell the truth, I can’t remember if I told myself that or not. I gots me a serious illness here.

The thought of those cricketeering varmits playing a match-up without my say-so hurts bad enough; but not as bad as Emily Prior refusing my repeated requests for a conjugal visit. I goddamm loved that girl: I said to her “If that no-good catcher husband of yours drops you like he keeps on dropping all them cricketeer balls, you give me a call honey.” She says: “Please leave me alone and don’t make me sit on your knee again.” I love that cute British sense of humour.

To stop me from feeling too lonesome about not being at the cricketball, I organised me a Twenty20 in the prison yard at exercise time. I got me two teams of legends – on the one team, the Stanford Aryan Warriors, on the other side, the Stanford Ghetto Boyz – and I says to them: “Gentlemen, let’s have a good clean game of cricketeering and the winning team will get 20 cigarettes per player. Play ball!”

After the riot had calmed down, and I was recovering in the prison hospital wing, I had a whole bunch of time to think. You get that in the jail: aside from converting to the Nation of Islam and changing my name to Tariq Al Stanford, I’ve had a lot of time to read my mail.

A package just arrived from my old business associate Giles Clarke: it had a cake with a file in it and a note saying: “Get yourself out of there, Shawshank style, and come see me to talk about new mutually rewarding opportunities.”

I know things are bad in Texas jails right now, but if it’s a choice between having any more meetings with that goddamm asshat Clarke and staying in the joint, I’ll take my chances with ole Governor ‘Itchy Fingers’ Perry any day of the week.

Yours in cricketball, and in jail,

Sir Tariq Al Stanford III Junior

Political prisoner and lover of cricketeering

County Climax: reaction from around the grounds

At last: Lancashire celebrate on their way to Championship glory

All the made-up news and quotes from a thrilling final day in cricket’s County Championship

At a desolate Headingley, Yorkshire chairman Colin Graves is still enjoying a good rant against the club’s players. “… result pitches? Result pitches? When I were a lad, we played on a snooker table. With knifes in it. And we were never relegated – we’d never of dreamed of it. Brian Close shut his own head in the door of an Austin Allegro on the last day of one season and it came clean off, but he just got on wi’ it and stayed in t’division. Bloody relegation indeed…”

At Sky’s HQ in Isleworth, a mid-afternoon production meeting concludes: “We could cut to Taunton to see if Lancashire can chase 150-odd in 25 overs, but let’s stick with Neil McKenzie batting out a draw down in Southampton and then go to Somerset once it’s a done-deal. Anyway, how about FOOTBALL? Footy is COOL.”

In Southampton, Mark Nicholas is asked if relegation is evidence that Hampshire should relinquish their first class status. He remains cool. Very, very cool. Smooth, in fact. Like Roger Moore in a giant tub of liquidised fruit, smoking a cigar in a velvet robe.

At Leicester, Middlesex coach Angus Fraser celebrates promotion in style by doing some exercises for his bad back and smiling ever so slightly. “Hard work, that,” concludes the grumpy warhorse of seam.

With Lancashire needing one run off six overs and Warwickshire needing to take three wickets in three balls and then score 158 in 12 balls, Nick Knight is ready to go out on a limb “Ooh, you just feel, don’t you, that maybe, just maybe, this is edging towards Lancashire now.”

In Kensington, Kevin Pietersen calls for the resignation of Peter Moores.

From Dubai, Andrew Flintoff announces that he is “retiring from international television presenting” and that he has “got hold of some more nude photos of Scarlett Johnansson.” Flintoff stresses that he has in no way timed this announcement to steal attention from the dénouement of the County season.

India dressing room: rain delay fly-on-the-wall

India's latest call-up warms up for action at the Rose Bowl

Behind-the-scenes in the Indian rooms at a rainy Rosebowl…

“Right then you guys,” said Duncan Fletcher. “How about we use this rain delay for a bit of work in the gym?”

He bounced a rugby ball eagerly on the floor and mimed some forward presses.

“That is a most splendid idea, Mr Duncan,” said MS Dhoni. “And thank you so much for bringing it to our attention. Very much the sort of radical ‘out of your box’ thinking that we are keen to hear from you.”

Fletcher looked pleased. “I thought we could start with a really good run around and then I could whack some balls about for everyone to chase and –”

MS held up his hand, smiling benevolently.

“As I say, Mr Duncan, a wonderful suggestion but I think it would be best if we all had a bit of discussion and got back to you with our findings.”

Politely but meaningfully, MS nodded towards the dressing room door. Fletcher trudged out sadly. He took a picture of Ashley Giles and Geraint Jones fooling around with the slip cradle out of his pocket and sighed. Fletcher shut the door behind him.

Parthiv Patel woke up with a start.

“Is that the pizza man? You better not have had my pizzas, you greedy sods. I’ve had nothing since lunch,” said Parthiv.

“It’s okay man, relax,” said Suresh Raina. “It’s just that old guy who tells the scary stories about packs of fast bowlers. He’s harmless enough.”

“Oh thank goodness,” said Parthiv. “I thought I’d missed my pizza.” He went back to sleep on top of a pile of bandages.

“Well then boys,” said MS. “Shall we give this ‘gymnasium’ business a go, then? Rahul swears by it, apparently.”

Praveen Kumar stood up. He picked up a niggle.

“On second thoughts,” said Dhoni. “I don’t think we can afford any more injuries. I’ll tell Fletcher he’ll have to come up with something else.”

India Dressing Room: Rain Delay Fly-On-The-Wall

India's latest call-up warms up for action at the Rose Bowl

Behind-the-scenes in the Indian rooms at a rainy Rosebowl…

“Right then you guys,” said Duncan Fletcher. “How about we use this rain delay for a bit of work in the gym?”

He bounced a rugby ball eagerly on the floor and mimed some forward presses.

“That is a most splendid idea, Mr Duncan,” said MS Dhoni. “And thank you so much for bringing it to our attention. Very much the sort of radical ‘out of your box’ thinking that we are keen to hear from you.”

Fletcher looked pleased. “I thought we could start with a really good run around and then I could whack some balls about for everyone to chase and –”

MS held up his hand, smiling benevolently.

“As I say, Mr Duncan, a wonderful suggestion but I think it would be best if we all had a bit of discussion and got back to you with our findings.”

Politely but meaningfully, MS nodded towards the dressing room door. Fletcher trudged out sadly. He took a picture of Ashley Giles and Geraint Jones fooling around with the slip cradle out of his pocket and sighed. Fletcher shut the door behind him.

Parthiv Patel woke up with a start.

“Is that the pizza man? You better not have had my pizzas, you greedy sods. I’ve had nothing since lunch,” said Parthiv.

“It’s okay man, relax,” said Suresh Raina. “It’s just that old guy who tells the scary stories about packs of fast bowlers. He’s harmless enough.”

“Oh thank goodness,” said Parthiv. “I thought I’d missed my pizza.” He went back to sleep on top of a pile of bandages.

“Well then boys,” said MS. “Shall we give this ‘gymnasium’ business a go, then? Rahul swears by it, apparently.”

Praveen Kumar stood up. He picked up a niggle.

“On second thoughts,” said Dhoni. “I don’t think we can afford any more injuries. I’ll tell Fletcher he’ll have to come up with something else.”

This is how the Ashes used to be

I’ve seen days like this before. They were when the great Australia team were in their pomp, and England were in their pocket. How things have changed. We are supposed to be watching the contest for No 1 spot in the world, but instead it’s like watching the World XI against Ilford second XI, as Graham Gooch once so memorably described the gap in class between facing Richard Hadlee at one end and his New Zealand colleagues at the other.

For the truth is that, if I said it was no contest yesterday, I am not sure how to describe today’s play. I think there might have been a moment in the morning session when the Indians bowled reasonably well to Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook, but otherwise all I can recall is England’s dominance; their sheer, relentless and regal dominance.

So Cook is back. He’d only really popped down from batting’s Mount Olympus for a change of scenery. This was England’s greatest Test batsman in action. Not that he is quite yet, and not that he is the best to watch. But statistically he will stand way, way above all others by the end of his career. As he does, today he just batted. And batted. He was 182 not out at the close. He’ll bat some more tomorrow.

When Strauss was bowled around his legs, sweeping, it was a surprise. It was also a no-ball from Amit Mishra, who for a leg-spinner bowled a remarkable amount of those today, but umpire Simon Taufel decided not to consult the technology before Strauss had left the ground. It was a rare mistake.

Ian Bell was a little skittish. It has been an emotional week for him, with the death of his mentor Neal Abberley, and a Test on his revamped home ground. And he was a little too keen to exert his positivity on proceedings. He was dropped at slip by Rahul Dravid of all people, but actually copped a decent ball form Praveen Kumar.

At 252-2 the stage was set for Kevin Pietersen. And he did not disappoint. His 63 was a delightful knock, full of the vim and cockiness we have been missing. His lbw decision to Kumar, to whom Pietersen seemingly stands as close to as he does to his own stumps, was marginal but justifiable. Pietersen did not like it one bit, mind.

Eoin Morgan should have gone twice, but Sreesanth and then Dravid again inexplicably dropped sitters, as India’s misery was complete. Their fielding has been abject all tour.

England are now 232 ahead. Will they declare tomorrow? Will they heck. They will get as many as they can. There are signs of considerable turn. Graeme Swann will be warming his spinning fingers.

Thoughts?

Sachin Tendulkar: underachiever, flat-track bully, phone hacker: demolishing the myth of his greatness

In terms of his talent, his record and his conduct, Sachin Tendulkar is often held up as a model cricketer worthy of being considered one of the greatest of all time. Perhaps even the very greatest. And yet, behind the earnest, Pepsi-friendly façade, there is a darker side to Tendulkar. Here, today, Telegraph Sport shatters the myth of Tendulkar’s greatness by picking through the deep-seated flaws in his career and his character. Blind, slavish devotees of the Little Master may want to look away now.

1) We all know that Tendulkar has never scored a century at Lord’s and, after his recent double failure, will probably never do so. We also know that Ajit Agarkar and Stuart Broad have. We will gloss over both those facts. But nor has he ever scored a century at The Oval. Or the Rose Bowl. Or Cardiff. Or Bristol. Or Northampton. Or Whitgift. In fact, so long is the list of venues where Tendulkar has not scored a century that it is reasonable to ask: has he ever scored a century at all? His disciples will argue that he has. It is time their claims got the scrutiny they deserved.

2) Tendulkar’s career statistics are indeed impressive. But they have been luxuriantly massaged by big scores against Test minnows such as Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and Australia. Exclude these teams from his Test figures, and indeed all other teams, and his average drops to 0.00 from a total of 0 innings. And this is the man some want to anoint as the greatest in history. With a record like that, it is hard to see why, other than an irrational emotional attachment to his cute little face.

3) Tendulkar has never won the Ashes. How can he possibly be considered one of the greatest players of all time if he has not won the biggest prize in the game? In fact, Telegraph Sport can reveal that Tendulkar has never even been picked for an Ashes series, which shows what the selectors make of his so-called ‘genius’.

4) Tendulkar may have made a huge volume of Test runs, but as many will tell you, he has enjoyed far easier circumstances than many of his counterparts in other eras. In fact, for his entire career, Tendulkar has taken advantage of an arcane ICC by-law that allows him to use a bat four feet wide and six inches thick. This explains why so many onlookers assume that Tendulkar is small; he is, in fact, 6ft 3in.

5) Tendulkar has been strongly implicated in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. In fact, it is alleged that he was mediating between Andy Coulson and Glenn Mulcaire at the time of the worst transgressions. Leaked emails from Tendulkar to Mulcaire reveal the full extent of Tendulkar’s involvement: “Glenn, it’s Sachin again. Could you do Gordon Ramsay next? And maybe Jamie Oliver as well. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall – but of course that goes without saying. Leave off Delia, though, my wife loves her.” Are these the actions of a role model? No, no, no, no, and no.

I still think it might be a draw

What a final day we have in prospect. Day four probably ended in the sort of position most people expected at the start of the day, but nobody could have predicted that England would collapse so spectacularly. Such was their first innings lead that a score of 62-5 was not a time for huge jitters, but it was certainly a time for some concern.

Cue a remarkable partnership between Matt Prior and Stuart Broad. What a cricketer Prior has become. It is still a mystery why he cannot crack the one-day stuff, but he has made himself into maybe the finest batsman/wicketkeeper in Test cricket at the moment. Indeed I heard Ian Botham on TV commentary saying that he was the best today. I don’t always agree with Botham, but this might just be one of those rare occasions.

It does tickle me that there are still those around the county cricket who blather on about the many other wicketkeepers that should be taking Prior’s place. His keeping is fine. I never thought it was as poor as many made out in his early days. He had some difficult conditions in which to keep- the rasping heat of Sri Lanka and a horribly low pitch in Trinidad are a couple of examples. And we can often be a little snobbish about wicketkeeping in England, with all that old-fashioned, romantic nonsense about specialists who cannot bat. Prior is a gem.

And so is Broad. A tip of the cap to the England management for their selection of him in this match. So many people called for Tim Bresnan, and it was probably a close call, but they stuck with Broad and he has rewarded them royally. He has looked like the champion cricketer we know he can be. And it was little surprise that he took the only wicket this evening. He is on a roll, as they say.

How many more can England take tomorrow, though? There are so many factors to take into account. Will Gautam Gambhir bat? Will the pitch deteriorate? Will the ball swing? And, of course, Sachin Tendulkar can only bat after five wickets have been taken.

I’m inclined to predict a draw, not because I think England are incapable of winning, but rather because I do not trust the pitch to offer enough assistance. We’ve seen it happen too many times before in the recent past. But we also saw a wonderful finish- and a win for England- in the 2009 Ashes match.

What will it be? Your thoughts please..