County Climax: reaction from around the grounds

At last: Lancashire celebrate on their way to Championship glory

All the made-up news and quotes from a thrilling final day in cricket’s County Championship

At a desolate Headingley, Yorkshire chairman Colin Graves is still enjoying a good rant against the club’s players. “… result pitches? Result pitches? When I were a lad, we played on a snooker table. With knifes in it. And we were never relegated – we’d never of dreamed of it. Brian Close shut his own head in the door of an Austin Allegro on the last day of one season and it came clean off, but he just got on wi’ it and stayed in t’division. Bloody relegation indeed…”

At Sky’s HQ in Isleworth, a mid-afternoon production meeting concludes: “We could cut to Taunton to see if Lancashire can chase 150-odd in 25 overs, but let’s stick with Neil McKenzie batting out a draw down in Southampton and then go to Somerset once it’s a done-deal. Anyway, how about FOOTBALL? Footy is COOL.”

In Southampton, Mark Nicholas is asked if relegation is evidence that Hampshire should relinquish their first class status. He remains cool. Very, very cool. Smooth, in fact. Like Roger Moore in a giant tub of liquidised fruit, smoking a cigar in a velvet robe.

At Leicester, Middlesex coach Angus Fraser celebrates promotion in style by doing some exercises for his bad back and smiling ever so slightly. “Hard work, that,” concludes the grumpy warhorse of seam.

With Lancashire needing one run off six overs and Warwickshire needing to take three wickets in three balls and then score 158 in 12 balls, Nick Knight is ready to go out on a limb “Ooh, you just feel, don’t you, that maybe, just maybe, this is edging towards Lancashire now.”

In Kensington, Kevin Pietersen calls for the resignation of Peter Moores.

From Dubai, Andrew Flintoff announces that he is “retiring from international television presenting” and that he has “got hold of some more nude photos of Scarlett Johnansson.” Flintoff stresses that he has in no way timed this announcement to steal attention from the dénouement of the County season.