Carlos Tevez – a day in the life …

Man on fire: Carlos Tevez ain't gonna take it no more. Photo: AFP/Getty

(A day in the life of Manchester City's rebel without a clue, as mistranslated by an evil journalist)

I am wake early, and am having nice afternoon sitting in the kitchen designing a new range of snoods and talking to butler. I like butler; sometimes I think he is only one that understand me.

The wife comes in; she look angry. This could be trouble – I don’t want her to make me move countries again. She say to butler that someone is ringing at the front door bell for many minutes and why can butler not go answer the door like he is paid to do?

I look at butler. Butler look at me.

I know I have to take a stands. I put down my snood-designing crayon.

“No way,” I say. “It’s not your place to tell butler where to come and go. I like him here in kitchen with me. We are drawing picture of snood and deciding which watch to buy today.”

I show her design of latest snood: the Tévez Freedom Fighter snood. Is picture of me and Eva Peron fighting together against injustice (represented by Mancini dressed up as the forces of oppression in a dirty scarf).

She look at picture with sneer of disgust; like Sir Ferguson when I tell him I need more pay-rise to pay for fashionable clothes and fleet of cars befitting a man of my position.

My wife says this is ridiculous and that we pay butler so we can tell him to go and do things. She says it is bad enough that she cannot get a decent empanada for love nor money in Alderley Edge, and now she cannot tell the servants what to do?

I will prove her that I am the boss around here. To make my point, I start crying until she says butler can stay.

When I am stop crying, she say: “Okay Carlos. You go answer the door yourself then.”

No way. I am not warmed up properly for that. I go to sit over by breakfast bar and avoid her gazes. This is the time for me to say “No más”. Her request is totally unreasonable.

LATER Wife is still angry and she has been on phone to Mancini. I am been exiled to sit in garden with gardener. I do not like gardener; he has little interest in snoods. I expect we shall have to move to Italy.

Owen Hargreaves: A romantic fairytale or the start of more Manchester misery?

There is a cruel joke doing the rounds on Twitter suggesting that the deal to take former Manchester United midfielder Owen Hargreaves to Manchester City has hit a snag due to an injury caused by him falling out of the transfer window.

After more than three years of injury misery, Hargreaves probably doesn’t find the wisecrack too funny, but the consolation for the 30-year-old is that he now has an incredible opportunity to prove his doubters wrong at City.

In terms of surprise moves, Hargreaves to City ranks up there with Eric Cantona from Leeds to Manchester United — on both occasions, news of the impending move was greeted with a reaction of incredulity, bewilderment and disbelief.

Nobody at City is suggesting for one minute that Hargreaves will perform for them as Cantona performed for United. The comparison between the two players ends with the initial response to their respective moves.

But while the shock of Cantona was due to Sir Alex Ferguson’s audacity and Leeds manager Howard Wilkinson’s readiness to sell to his club’s biggest rival, the wow factor of City’s move for Hargreaves relates purely to their belief that he can contribute to a team challenging for Premier League and Champions League honours.

By releasing him at the end of his contract in May, United clearly felt that a sum total of six minutes on the pitch (plus 45 minutes in the reserves) since Sept 2008 was proof enough that Hargreaves, sidelined for so long following double knee surgery, was not capable of measuring up to the demands of life at Old Trafford.

City, obviously, are planning a heavily-incentivised contract which is as good as a no-lose situation for the club.

If Hargreaves succeeds, it would be viewed as a real coup by City, plus a huge embarrassment for United, who would be perceived as having allowed a top-class player to walk out of the club for nothing.

Yet if Hargreaves fails, it will have been a gamble worth taking as nobody can doubt the player’s credentials.

When fit, he is, or was, one of the world’s best defensive midfielders, but there is a danger that romantic recollections of a player who peaked five years ago are simply teeing Hargreaves up for another fall.

The gamble of moving to City is surely all on Hargreaves’s part.

Having insisted recently that he can play 40 games a season and break into England’s Euro 2012 squad, moving to City almost certainly rules out the prospect of 40 games a season.

Had he moved to West Bromwich Albion following talks with the club last month, Hargreaves could have become a central figure at The Hawthorns — fitness permitting — and ensured that he walked into the England squad.

He simply will not play enough games at City to do that, so does he want to play every week or is he happy to play maybe 10-15 games for a club challenging for honours, but perhaps sacrificing his international ambitions at the same time?

It is a tough dilemma and there are arguments for accepting either challenge.

But maybe the biggest challenge facing Hargreaves is the one that the fans will not see — his ability to train every day and cope with the demanding regime imposed at City by Roberto Mancini, which Craig Bellamy found to be totally unsuitable to his needs following knee problems.

Getting Hargreaves on the pitch at Eastlands is one thing, ensuring he trains sufficiently, day to day, is another, as one of the cruel ironies of his time at United was the setbacks suffered on the training pitch, away from the glare of the cameras.

So more than three years since being considered a fully-fit member of Ferguson’s first-team squad, Hargreaves must now start all over again.

He has a point to prove and many will hope he succeeds. At 30, he is too young to walk away from the game and England certainly miss his contribution.

But Hargreaves at his best was all about high-energy, forceful tackles and never giving less than 100 per cent.

Three years away is a long time, however. He has missed another pre-season and has not played for almost ten months, so he is already facing an uphill battle to turn out for City in the near future.

He is at least a month away from fitness — a statement we have heard far too often about Owen Hargreaves in the last few years.