England squad face Dad’s Army Test

Roller on the floor laughing: two British comedy greats of yesteryear

In which England's South African-born cricketers get some cultural education on a sad day for British comedy

Graham Gooch shepherded the England squad into the room. A sign on the door read: “Batting Coach’s Office and Haircare Laboratory. NO Ethereal Leicestershire Left-Handers.”

Gooch looked hangdog and upset. More than usually so.

“Boys,” he said. “The announcement of an England squad is a happy day, particularly when we can welcome a new player into the fold.”

Stuart Meaker was patted on the back by his colleagues. Jonathan Trott began to lead the traditional team celebration anthem: “Ek gelofte my groen en aangename reis vanaf Heathrow lughawe na jou” (“I vow to thee my green and pleasant journey from Heathrow airport”), but Gooch shushed him.

“But this is also a sad day. David Croft, who wrote the immortal British sitcom ‘Dad’s Army’, has passed away.”

There were blank looks all round.

“As I have said in the past,” sighed Gooch. “Nobody minds where a player is born these days, as long as he can pass the Dad’s Army test. Does he find Captain Mainwaring and the rest hilarious? If so: that's English enough for me.”

He wrestled an Official Team England analysis laptop from the grasp of Ian Bell.

“Championship Manager later, Belly,” said Gooch. “Once you’ve practised concentrating really hard and done 2000 squat thrusts.”

He inserted a DVD. ‘Don’t Tell Him, Pike’ played.

Gooch laughed. Alastair Cook watched the coach carefully, and then joined in.

“I’m writing a sitcom,” shouted Graeme Swann. “It’s about a brilliant comedian trapped in the body of a sporting hero, and he’s got a pet cat called Tweet who drives him around in a car when they’ve all had a few drinks.”

Jade Dernbach raised his hand.

“Mr Goochie, bru. I mean sir. I don’t understand why it’s funny,” he said.

“Is it because that bossy old man has got a silly moustache?” asked Craig Kieswetter.

“There is nothing funny about that at all, you stupid boy,” shouted Gooch.

“No, you okes,” said Jonathan Trott. “It’s funny because they are laughing at foreigners.”

“I don’t think that’s very nice,” said Stuart Meaker. “Not in this day and age.”

“That’s the problem with you lot,” said Gooch. “You have absolutely no sense of humour.”

This is how the Ashes used to be

I’ve seen days like this before. They were when the great Australia team were in their pomp, and England were in their pocket. How things have changed. We are supposed to be watching the contest for No 1 spot in the world, but instead it’s like watching the World XI against Ilford second XI, as Graham Gooch once so memorably described the gap in class between facing Richard Hadlee at one end and his New Zealand colleagues at the other.

For the truth is that, if I said it was no contest yesterday, I am not sure how to describe today’s play. I think there might have been a moment in the morning session when the Indians bowled reasonably well to Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook, but otherwise all I can recall is England’s dominance; their sheer, relentless and regal dominance.

So Cook is back. He’d only really popped down from batting’s Mount Olympus for a change of scenery. This was England’s greatest Test batsman in action. Not that he is quite yet, and not that he is the best to watch. But statistically he will stand way, way above all others by the end of his career. As he does, today he just batted. And batted. He was 182 not out at the close. He’ll bat some more tomorrow.

When Strauss was bowled around his legs, sweeping, it was a surprise. It was also a no-ball from Amit Mishra, who for a leg-spinner bowled a remarkable amount of those today, but umpire Simon Taufel decided not to consult the technology before Strauss had left the ground. It was a rare mistake.

Ian Bell was a little skittish. It has been an emotional week for him, with the death of his mentor Neal Abberley, and a Test on his revamped home ground. And he was a little too keen to exert his positivity on proceedings. He was dropped at slip by Rahul Dravid of all people, but actually copped a decent ball form Praveen Kumar.

At 252-2 the stage was set for Kevin Pietersen. And he did not disappoint. His 63 was a delightful knock, full of the vim and cockiness we have been missing. His lbw decision to Kumar, to whom Pietersen seemingly stands as close to as he does to his own stumps, was marginal but justifiable. Pietersen did not like it one bit, mind.

Eoin Morgan should have gone twice, but Sreesanth and then Dravid again inexplicably dropped sitters, as India’s misery was complete. Their fielding has been abject all tour.

England are now 232 ahead. Will they declare tomorrow? Will they heck. They will get as many as they can. There are signs of considerable turn. Graeme Swann will be warming his spinning fingers.

Thoughts?

Is this pitch doing too much?

I’m in a bit of a quandary here. For most of the summer I’ve been campaigning for spicier pitches in order to inconvenience the visitors from the sub-continent. Now with this pitch at Trent Bridge, I’m worried things may have gone a little too far. I’m hoping that it might be the combination of the overhead conditions and the greenish pitch that is making batting look so treacherous.

But when you see the ball that dismissed Graeme Swann, sending him off to hospital for an x-ray, you do wonder whether that really should be happening on the first day of a Test match.

What cannot be denied is that it has provided some absorbing cricket. India’s bowlers bowled excellently until Stuart Broad and Swann counter-attacked late on in a thrilling partnership. It certainly wasn’t mindless slogging. It was calculated aggression in conditions that demanded such an approach. There always appears to be a good ball waiting around the corner for you on this pitch, so it’s best to score as many runs as you can before it arrives.

Pace and bounce are what I’ve been advocating all summer, but whilst there has been some bounce here there has not been a great deal of pace. But, with a rather uneven covering of grass, there has been seam movement to add to the swing through the air that you always seem to encounter at Trent Bridge these days.

So how did England play? Alastair Cook wasn’t out (where is that damned DRS please?), Jonathan Trott was done by swing, Andrew Strauss battled hard before losing patience and driving loosely, Kevin Pietersen was distracted by some dark windows above the sightscreen, Eoin Morgan was plumb lbw, Ian Bell was caught behind cutting and Matt Prior got a beauty. Broad and Swann rescued them.

No-one, however, played as poor a shot as Indian opener Abhinav Mukund. What was he thinking, driving with such abandon first ball? The battle to the close was then fierce. Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman rode their luck and used their expertise. They will need plenty more of it tomorrow.

What do you think? Is the pitch too helpful? Or do you like this sort of cricket?