Carlos Tevez – a day in the life …

Man on fire: Carlos Tevez ain't gonna take it no more. Photo: AFP/Getty

(A day in the life of Manchester City's rebel without a clue, as mistranslated by an evil journalist)

I am wake early, and am having nice afternoon sitting in the kitchen designing a new range of snoods and talking to butler. I like butler; sometimes I think he is only one that understand me.

The wife comes in; she look angry. This could be trouble – I don’t want her to make me move countries again. She say to butler that someone is ringing at the front door bell for many minutes and why can butler not go answer the door like he is paid to do?

I look at butler. Butler look at me.

I know I have to take a stands. I put down my snood-designing crayon.

“No way,” I say. “It’s not your place to tell butler where to come and go. I like him here in kitchen with me. We are drawing picture of snood and deciding which watch to buy today.”

I show her design of latest snood: the Tévez Freedom Fighter snood. Is picture of me and Eva Peron fighting together against injustice (represented by Mancini dressed up as the forces of oppression in a dirty scarf).

She look at picture with sneer of disgust; like Sir Ferguson when I tell him I need more pay-rise to pay for fashionable clothes and fleet of cars befitting a man of my position.

My wife says this is ridiculous and that we pay butler so we can tell him to go and do things. She says it is bad enough that she cannot get a decent empanada for love nor money in Alderley Edge, and now she cannot tell the servants what to do?

I will prove her that I am the boss around here. To make my point, I start crying until she says butler can stay.

When I am stop crying, she say: “Okay Carlos. You go answer the door yourself then.”

No way. I am not warmed up properly for that. I go to sit over by breakfast bar and avoid her gazes. This is the time for me to say “No más”. Her request is totally unreasonable.

LATER Wife is still angry and she has been on phone to Mancini. I am been exiled to sit in garden with gardener. I do not like gardener; he has little interest in snoods. I expect we shall have to move to Italy.

Owen Hargreaves: A romantic fairytale or the start of more Manchester misery?

There is a cruel joke doing the rounds on Twitter suggesting that the deal to take former Manchester United midfielder Owen Hargreaves to Manchester City has hit a snag due to an injury caused by him falling out of the transfer window.

After more than three years of injury misery, Hargreaves probably doesn’t find the wisecrack too funny, but the consolation for the 30-year-old is that he now has an incredible opportunity to prove his doubters wrong at City.

In terms of surprise moves, Hargreaves to City ranks up there with Eric Cantona from Leeds to Manchester United — on both occasions, news of the impending move was greeted with a reaction of incredulity, bewilderment and disbelief.

Nobody at City is suggesting for one minute that Hargreaves will perform for them as Cantona performed for United. The comparison between the two players ends with the initial response to their respective moves.

But while the shock of Cantona was due to Sir Alex Ferguson’s audacity and Leeds manager Howard Wilkinson’s readiness to sell to his club’s biggest rival, the wow factor of City’s move for Hargreaves relates purely to their belief that he can contribute to a team challenging for Premier League and Champions League honours.

By releasing him at the end of his contract in May, United clearly felt that a sum total of six minutes on the pitch (plus 45 minutes in the reserves) since Sept 2008 was proof enough that Hargreaves, sidelined for so long following double knee surgery, was not capable of measuring up to the demands of life at Old Trafford.

City, obviously, are planning a heavily-incentivised contract which is as good as a no-lose situation for the club.

If Hargreaves succeeds, it would be viewed as a real coup by City, plus a huge embarrassment for United, who would be perceived as having allowed a top-class player to walk out of the club for nothing.

Yet if Hargreaves fails, it will have been a gamble worth taking as nobody can doubt the player’s credentials.

When fit, he is, or was, one of the world’s best defensive midfielders, but there is a danger that romantic recollections of a player who peaked five years ago are simply teeing Hargreaves up for another fall.

The gamble of moving to City is surely all on Hargreaves’s part.

Having insisted recently that he can play 40 games a season and break into England’s Euro 2012 squad, moving to City almost certainly rules out the prospect of 40 games a season.

Had he moved to West Bromwich Albion following talks with the club last month, Hargreaves could have become a central figure at The Hawthorns — fitness permitting — and ensured that he walked into the England squad.

He simply will not play enough games at City to do that, so does he want to play every week or is he happy to play maybe 10-15 games for a club challenging for honours, but perhaps sacrificing his international ambitions at the same time?

It is a tough dilemma and there are arguments for accepting either challenge.

But maybe the biggest challenge facing Hargreaves is the one that the fans will not see — his ability to train every day and cope with the demanding regime imposed at City by Roberto Mancini, which Craig Bellamy found to be totally unsuitable to his needs following knee problems.

Getting Hargreaves on the pitch at Eastlands is one thing, ensuring he trains sufficiently, day to day, is another, as one of the cruel ironies of his time at United was the setbacks suffered on the training pitch, away from the glare of the cameras.

So more than three years since being considered a fully-fit member of Ferguson’s first-team squad, Hargreaves must now start all over again.

He has a point to prove and many will hope he succeeds. At 30, he is too young to walk away from the game and England certainly miss his contribution.

But Hargreaves at his best was all about high-energy, forceful tackles and never giving less than 100 per cent.

Three years away is a long time, however. He has missed another pre-season and has not played for almost ten months, so he is already facing an uphill battle to turn out for City in the near future.

He is at least a month away from fitness — a statement we have heard far too often about Owen Hargreaves in the last few years.

Manchester United 2 Barcelona 1: Michael Owen gives United the winning feeling against Barcelona

Manchester United 2 Barcelona 1

Att: 81,807

FedEx Field, Maryland.

It might not go down as the most important goal of Michael Owen’s career, but the next time Manchester United face Barcelona, they will do so having experienced the sensation of beating the European champions thanks to the former England striker’s second-half winner in Washington.

Having endured two comprehensive Champions League final defeats against Barcelona in the last three seasons, any victory against Pep Guardiola’s team is something to be cherished.

Whether it will make any difference the next time United tackle Barca in a competitive fixture, only time will tell, but a win, as they say, is a win and Owen’s goal – a clinical finish past Victor Valdes from Tom Cleverley’s 76th minute pass – has given United proof that Barcelona can be beaten.

With just 63 days separating the 3-1 Champions League final defeat at Wembley and this friendly on the outskirts of Washington – in the somewhat less prestigious Herbalife World Football Challenge – United’s wounds were undoubtedly still raw from Barcelona’s victory in north London.

The good news for Sir Alex Ferguson’s team, however, was the absence of Lionel Messi, Javier Mascherano, Dani Alves and summer signing Alexis Sanchez from the Barcelona line-up due to their recent involvement in the Copa America.

Both Ferguson and Barca coach Guardiola fielded experimental starting teams, with youngsters among more experienced performers, but there was a clear opportunity for United to secure the psychological lift that would come with a victory against the European champions.

With temperatures approaching the mid-90s at kick-off, the searing heat was likely to prove the most formidable opponent for both sets of players.

But United started strongly and Wayne Rooney missed a golden chance to put his team ahead just ten minutes into the game.

Danny Welbeck’s pass to Nani on the right flank resulted in the Portuguese winger crossing to Rooney at the near post, but despite standing unmarked just six yards out, Rooney scuffed his shot wide of Valdes’s left-hand post.

In their two Champions League final defeats against Barcelona, United started well before being overrun after the opening 20 minutes, but they maintained their grip on the game on this occasion.

An early injury to Rafael, who appeared to damage his right knee in a 13th minute collision with Seydou Keita was a setback, however, and the Brazilian full-back could now miss the start of the season if the injury proves as problematic as it appeared as he limped down the touchline after being replaced by twin brother Fabio.

Having spent the last three weeks in the States, with four games against local opposition, United appeared sharper and more match hardened than Barcelona, who were playing their fourth game in a week, and they were able to suppress the Spanish team’s passing game.

And United were rewarded for their bright start when Nani opened the scoring after springing the offside trap on 22 minutes.

Nani appeared to have strayed offside before racing onto Welbeck’s pass, but replay suggested that the winger had timed his run perfectly before poking the ball under Valdes from 10 yards.

In a tetchy game that saw several late challenges and a booking for Barcelona defender Jonathan dos Santos, Barcelona were clearly missing the cutting edge of Messi and midfielder Xavi, who started the game on the bench.

But Dutch winger Ibrahim Afellay almost levelled on 35 minutes when he sent a left-foot shot inches wide of the United goal from a tight angle.

United goalkeeper David de Gea was forced into his first meaningful save on 50 minutes, however, when he denied Pedro an equaliser.

Pedro, who scored the opening goal against United at Wembley, struck early from 12 yards, but De Gea reacted well to dive low and smother the ball.

De Gea, United’s £18.3m replacement for Edwin van der Sar, was fortunate not to gift Barcelona a goal on 61 minutes, though, when a poor clearance by the 20-year-old goalkeeper dropped straight at the feet of Isaac Cuenca 35 yards from goal.

Cuenca’s cross into the penalty area was wayward, however, and De Gea escaped being punished for his mistake.

Ferguson has admitted that the youngster must improve his physique to succeed in the Premier League, but his preference for punching rather than catching routine crosses is another area which will require attention.

De Gea’s decision to punch clear a second-half corner instead of grasping the ball was unusual considering he had time to collect the ball inside his 18 yard box.

The former Atletico Madrid keeper had no chance when it came to stopping Thiago’s equaliser on 71 minutes, however.

Ryan Giggs’s failure to cut out Carlos Carmona’s pass left Thiago with a free strike on goal from 20 yards and the 20-year-old took full advantage by guiding a right foot shot beyond the motionless De Gea.

Owen secured victory for United, though, when he beat Valdes after Cleverley had cut out a loose Sergio Busquets pass before creating the chance for the 31-year-old.

Owen then missed an open goal in the final minutes after being teed up by Mame Biram Diouf, but on this occasion, he got away with it.

Manchester United (4-4-2): De Gea; Rafael (Fabio 17), Evans, Vidic (Jones 77), Evra (Smalling 46); Nani, Cleverley, Anderson (Giggs 46), Young (Obertan 62); Rooney (Owen 46), Welbeck (Diouf 77). Subs: Lindegaard (g), Amos (g), Ferdinand, Carrick, Park, Berbatov, Macheda.

Barcelona (4-1-4-1): Valdes; Dos Santos, Busquets, Fontas (Lozano 74), Abidal (Balliu 74); Keita; Pedro (Espinosa 86), Iniesta, Thiago, Afellay (Cuenca 42); Villa (Carmona 62). Subs: Jose Pinto (g), Masip (g), Pique, Puyol, Xavi, Suarez, Riverola, Cabelino, Muniesa.