England squad face Dad’s Army Test

Roller on the floor laughing: two British comedy greats of yesteryear

In which England's South African-born cricketers get some cultural education on a sad day for British comedy

Graham Gooch shepherded the England squad into the room. A sign on the door read: “Batting Coach’s Office and Haircare Laboratory. NO Ethereal Leicestershire Left-Handers.”

Gooch looked hangdog and upset. More than usually so.

“Boys,” he said. “The announcement of an England squad is a happy day, particularly when we can welcome a new player into the fold.”

Stuart Meaker was patted on the back by his colleagues. Jonathan Trott began to lead the traditional team celebration anthem: “Ek gelofte my groen en aangename reis vanaf Heathrow lughawe na jou” (“I vow to thee my green and pleasant journey from Heathrow airport”), but Gooch shushed him.

“But this is also a sad day. David Croft, who wrote the immortal British sitcom ‘Dad’s Army’, has passed away.”

There were blank looks all round.

“As I have said in the past,” sighed Gooch. “Nobody minds where a player is born these days, as long as he can pass the Dad’s Army test. Does he find Captain Mainwaring and the rest hilarious? If so: that's English enough for me.”

He wrestled an Official Team England analysis laptop from the grasp of Ian Bell.

“Championship Manager later, Belly,” said Gooch. “Once you’ve practised concentrating really hard and done 2000 squat thrusts.”

He inserted a DVD. ‘Don’t Tell Him, Pike’ played.

Gooch laughed. Alastair Cook watched the coach carefully, and then joined in.

“I’m writing a sitcom,” shouted Graeme Swann. “It’s about a brilliant comedian trapped in the body of a sporting hero, and he’s got a pet cat called Tweet who drives him around in a car when they’ve all had a few drinks.”

Jade Dernbach raised his hand.

“Mr Goochie, bru. I mean sir. I don’t understand why it’s funny,” he said.

“Is it because that bossy old man has got a silly moustache?” asked Craig Kieswetter.

“There is nothing funny about that at all, you stupid boy,” shouted Gooch.

“No, you okes,” said Jonathan Trott. “It’s funny because they are laughing at foreigners.”

“I don’t think that’s very nice,” said Stuart Meaker. “Not in this day and age.”

“That’s the problem with you lot,” said Gooch. “You have absolutely no sense of humour.”