Colts (0-6) at Saints (4-2)
Sunday, 8:20 p.m.
Line: Saints by 14.
The famous quote by the former N.F.L. commissioner Bert Bell — “On any given Sunday, any team in the N.F.L. can beat any other” — has been a source of reassurance for both fans and television programmers for decades. The league’s carefully maintained competitive balance almost guarantees that every week will feature several compelling games between high-quality, evenly matched opponents. Almost.
Bell would never imagine a week like this, in which the best (the Patriots) and most fascinating (the Eagles, the 49ers) teams have byes, while the top contenders face pushovers and the mediocre slug it out with the middling. Matchups that looked good when the schedule was announced now merit double-digit point spreads. Case in point: the Colts vs. the Saints, a rematch of Super Bowl XLIV that promised to be a seesaw offensive battle, is now little more than a three-hour wake for Indianapolis and a chance to watch Sean Payton coach New Orleans from the booth instead of the sideline.
Granted, Curtis Painter, like a frozen burrito under a filling station heat lamp, is slowly warming to the Colts’ starting quarterback job. His completion percentage has gone up every week, and the Colts offense no longer looks like an intramural team playing in a downpour. Also, Drew Brees offered hope that Payton might find a way to stand on, or slightly above, the field on the surgically repaired leg he broke in last week’s game. “I’m envisioning some kind of hovercraft on the sideline,” Brees said. Levitating coaches: another thing that Bert Bell could never imagine. Pick: Saints.
Bears (3-3) at Buccaneers (4-2) in London
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Bears by 1.
The Buccaneers rookie defender Adrian Clayborn tried fish and chips for the first time as soon as Tampa Bay arrived in London on Monday. “It didn’t sit well with me at all,” Clayborn told The Tampa Tribune. “It messed up my stomach bad.” Do not let Clayborn anywhere near steak and kidney pie.
You would think that most Americans have encountered fish and chips by now, and conversely, that most Britons would be able to differentiate a football team worthy of international acclaim from, say, the Bears. However, Lovie Smith (whose Bears stayed in the United States until Thursday) expects something close to a home-field advantage. “I’m told we have a big following overseas,” Smith said, not realizing that many Londoners are still expecting to see William (The Refrigerator) Perry.
Smith does not expect his Bears to be jet-lagged, any more than Raheem Morris expects his players to be cramped up from too much bangers and mash. Smith also hopes to win some new fans. “I know the guys are excited about showing our brand of football over there,” he said. The Bears brand includes Jay Cutler’s occasionally uttering profanities, heard by a microphone, about the coordinator Mike Martz. Though if you really want to hear Cutler swear, get him to try bubble and squeak. Pick: Buccaneers.
Chargers (4-1) at Jets (3-3)
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Chargers by 2.
Norv Turner and Rex Ryan are as different as two coaches can be. The mild-mannered Turner has less motivational power than dress-down Friday, but his detail-oriented approach turns quarterbacks into sharpshooters and receivers into precision route runners. Ryan’s Homer Simpson-meets-Pagliacci routine keeps the troops fired up, but he is rarely bothered by trifling details, like his offense.
Yet their results are the same. Both Turner and Ryan appear to lose control of their locker rooms at times, with Ryan reining them back in with his Asylum’s Chief Inmate routine and Turner waiting for the pot to boil over and return to room temperature. Although neither coach has reached the Super Bowl with his current team, each has something to say about it. Ryan said Wednesday that he would have won “a couple of rings” had the Chargers hired him instead of Turner in 2007. Turner jokingly responded, “I was wondering if he had those rings with the ones he’s guaranteed the last couple of years.” When Norv Turner zings you, you know you left yourself open.
In news unrelated to Ryan’s imaginary jewelry box, Plaxico Burress promises that the Jets offense will soon “go through the roof.” It would be nice to at least see them get a few inches off the ground. Pick: Jets.
Texans (3-3) at Titans (3-2)
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Titans by 3.
The last meeting between these teams was overshadowed by a brawl between Texans receiver Andre Johnson and Titans cornerback/provocateur Cortland Finnegan. Finnegan reinterpreted “jam at line” as “jab to face” on several plays, until finally he and Johnson ripped each other’s helmets off and began swinging. The kerfuffle ended with Finnegan clapping and smiling in the fine “I got you in trouuuu-ble” tradition of schoolyard agitators everywhere. The Texans got the last laugh with a 20-0 victory that perpetuated a six-game Titans losing streak.
Johnson (knee) is doubtful for Sunday, so Finnegan will not have his favorite playmate, and the Texans will again be without the focal point of their passing game. “We needed a new hero,” Gary Kubiak said after last Sunday’s 29-14 loss to the Ravens. Kubiak failed to mention if that hero’s got to be sure, or it’s got to be soon. “Larger than life” would not hurt. Pick: Titans.
Broncos (1-4) at Dolphins (0-5)
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Dolphins by 1.5.
Fun things to do during this game. 1.) Count the number of incredibly minor accomplishments Tim Tebow receives credit for: completing screen passes and faking handoffs are about to go from remedial quarterbacking skills to “Things Tebow Does Ever So Well.” 2.) Try to figure out which Dolphins defender is trying to cover which Broncos receiver. That is exactly what the Dolphins defenders will spend much of the afternoon doing. 3.) Watch the entire Dolphins organization acquire tunnel vision at the 5-yard line, passing to Brandon Marshall on every snap, as if the plays are being called by a tipsy fantasy football enthusiast who needs a big game from the concentration-challenged receiver. Pick: Broncos.
Steelers (4-2) at Cardinals (1-4)
Sunday, 4:05 p.m.
Line: Steelers by 3.5.
We have reached a crossroad in human history: Larry Fitzgerald is officially quoting Winston Churchill. “Sometimes doing your best isn’t good enough. Sometimes you need to do what’s required,” Fitzgerald said earlier in the week. Fitzgerald got the quote from the special teams coach Kevin Spencer, who got it from Churchill, who got it from his special teams coach. Fitzgerald missed the “personal responsibility” part of Churchill’s message when he explained that he was not to blame for his lackluster four-catch game against the Vikings. “We had this other guy, what was his name? Oh, yeah. Anquan Boldin,” he said, adding, “I wasn’t here by myself. I had some talented guys around me.” There’s something delightfully ironic about signing a cap-straining contract, then complaining about your budget-friendly supporting cast. Any thoughts, Mr. Churchill? “If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future.” And shall have caught only a handful of passes. Pick: Steelers.
Redskins (3-2) at Panthers (1-5)
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Panthers by 2.5.
Rex Grossman has a 23-16 career record as a starter. That record is updated and displayed every time he starts a game, more as justification than information: “Yes, we know you are watching a guy close his eyes and heave the ball into tight downfield coverage, but look, he has won many games, so he must do something right.” The entire Redskins offense closed ranks around Grossman after his four-interception meltdown against the Eagles, which meant it was only a matter of hours before Mike Shanahan named John Beck (career record: 0-4, earned honestly) the starter. If you did not celebrate the renaissance of Redskins team unity, wise management and long-range planning before last week, it is now probably too late. Pick: Panthers.
Seahawks (2-3) at Browns (2-3)
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Browns by 3.
Seahawks quarterback Tarvaris Jackson (ankle) was a limited practice participant this week, but Charlie Whitehurst took most of the snaps with the first-team offense. Pete Carroll said he may not choose his starting quarterback until Sunday. The Browns are preparing for both by trying to keep a straight face. Carroll also made waves during the bye week by sending football-suggestive Twitter messages to the N.B.A. star (and Cleveland expatriate) LeBron James, including a picture of a Seahawks jersey with James’s name on it. A Browns fan countered by creating a video game montage of a superhuman James playing tight end for the Browns. The montage ends with the Eagles snatching James away to create a Double Dream Team for whom James spends his days watching Vince Young throw interceptions. Pick: Browns.
Falcons (3-3) at Lions (5-1)
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Lions by 3.5.
Jim Schwartz went from “the coach who may finally be turning the Lions around” to “the guy who turned the postgame handshake into the Uproar Festival mosh pit” in just a few regrettable seconds last week. Mike Smith is no stranger to coaching violence (he almost decked DeAngelo Hall in 2009), but Smith is more worried about Detroit crowd noise than acts of Schwartz. Smith made the Falcons practice while he had jet engine noise pumped through giant speakers. It was a far cry from past years, when teams prepared for Ford Field by practicing in a sensory deprivation chamber. Pick: Lions.
Chiefs (2-3) at Raiders (4-2)
Sunday, 4:05 p.m.
Line: Raiders by 4.5.
Time stands still in the Raiderverse. Hue Jackson was a Bengals assistant from 2004-6, so he may believe he is getting Early Carson Palmer in exchange for two first-round picks, one of them conditional. That Palmer routinely threw for 4,000 yards per season. Unfortunately, the Raiders are getting Late Carson Palmer, a conscientious objector who sat out all of training camp this year, a player whose efficiency rating has fallen in each of his last five seasons as a healthy starter. Palmer went straight from the recliner to the starting lineup, meaning that the Raiders’ game plan this week will be mostly runs, reverses and fake punts, which is really not a stretch for them.
The Chiefs have won two games after an 0-3 start, and beanbags may be the reason. The embattled coach Todd Haley set up a game in the locker room, which has lightened the atmosphere and fostered team unity. The beanbags offer almost as much resistance as the Colts and the Vikings, the two opponents the Chiefs beat to get their confidence back. Haley has also given up shaving during the winning streak in an effort to look more like the St. Louis Cardinals squirrel. Pick: Raiders.
Rams (0-5) at Cowboys (2-3)
Sunday, 4:15 p.m.
Line: Cowboys by 12.5.
Jerry Jones has backed away from his harsh criticism of Jason Garrett’s play-calling after last week’s loss. Jones wanted Garrett to give Tony Romo more passing opportunities while the Cowboys nursed a 3-point lead, because we all know that never backfires. “I would say that probably if I had that to do over again, I wouldn’t comment, period,” Jones said later in the week. Was he visited by the Ghosts of Meddling Past, Present and Future? Perhaps Nolan Ryan’s low-key demeanor as the Texas Rangers’ owner is rubbing off.
The new Rams receiver Brandon Lloyd had a reputation as an extraordinary talent with major maturity issues when he played for the 49ers and the Redskins, but he blossomed in Denver under the former Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, now a Rams assistant. Birds of a feather and all that. Pick: Cowboys.
Packers (6-0) at Vikings (1-5)
Sunday, 4:15 p.m.
Line: Packers by 9.
Donovan McNabb, whose declining accuracy has the Vikings passing game look like a game of pin the tail on the donkey, has been mercy-benched so the Vikings can develop the off-brand prospect Christian Ponder. Ponder is best known to magnetic resonance imaging technicians in Tallahassee as the Florida State quarterback who played through multiple injuries; no one knows yet if he can throw a pass without raising health insurance premiums. The Packers have been excellent long enough that we take it for granted, but not for so long that we resent it, placing them in a sports-consciousness blind spot that makes them difficult to comment upon. Pick: Packers.
Ravens (4-1) at Jaguars (1-5)
Monday, 8:30 p.m.
Line: Ravens by 7.5.
We wrap this week’s remarkable run of ho-hum matchups with a game of staggering inconsequence. The Ravens specialize in beating down-and-out teams, often in methodically dull ways. With David Garrard, Matt Turk and Mike Sims-Walker all briefly unemployed in the middle of the week, more recognizable Jaguars were out of the league than on the team’s roster. That changed when Jacksonville re-signed Sims-Walker, who was cut by the Rams, who lost two weeks ago to the Ravens, 37-7, to give the Jaguars a shot of adrenaline, or more likely a nice cup of chamomile. Pick: Ravens.
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