Newcastle’s name game is glimpse of Stadiums Future

Another Ashley hit: Toon fans in their traditional posture upon hearing news of Mike's latest scheme. Photo: Mike King

Perhaps Mike Ashley simply finds the spectacle of crying Geordies funny. With the club enjoying their best on-field days since Keggy was in his managerial pomp, it takes a very special sort of owner to nonetheless plunge the fans into frustrated outrage. But Mike is a man who never stops thinking about how he can take his relationship with the Toon Army to the next depth, and it was inevitable that the shell suit magnate would sooner or later auction-off naming rights to the family home.

The argument that “a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet” holds no appeal for Newcastle fans who, not unreasonably, don’t feel too happy about roaring on their heroes in the Sports Direct Arena rather than St James’ Park (even if some are as shaky on the apostrophe as Titus Bramble dealing with a bouncing ball).

They should count their blessings: fans of MLS team FC Dallas have to root for the home team at the Pizza Hut Park. The NHL’s Nashville Predators until recently welcomed opponents to their intimidating Gaylord Arena. And what MLS fan could fail to be inspired by a trip to watch the Colorado Rapids at their prestigious Dick’s Sporting Goods Park? Closer to home, pity York City fans, obliged to create a cauldron of support inside Kitkat Crescent (née Bootham Crescent, and thankfully restored to its former glory once sponsors Nestlé moved on in 2010 before they could change it to the Baby Milk Bowl).

All in all, the Sports Direct Arena could be a lot worse. And with all the teams that aren’t owned by billionaires starting to feel the pinch, maybe a rubbish name for your beloved home ground is inevitable. At least Newcastle can enjoy some sort of early-adopter advantage, and hopefully get a decently named sponsor while there are still plenty to choose from. Newcastle United at Sony Park, or the Adidas Stadium, or the Coke Arena (even has ties with the region’s colliery past)… it might not be so bad.

Rather that than be one of the teams that leaves it too late and is forced, like a man ferreting for the wife’s Christmas present in a Christmas Eve panic at Superdrug, to pick up any old rubbish that has a half-familiar name and hope for the best.

In five years time, slowcoaches like Sunderland might have had to forgo the Stadium of Light for the Happy Shopper Arena, Liverpool might be playing their home games at Ovaltine Crescent and, if Lord Sugar for some reason decided to get back into bladdy football, poor Tottenham might even be turning out every fortnight at the Amstrad Stadium. All in all, it could be worse.